Apocalypse Meow

Apocalypse Meow

An Excerpt From “World History 101.10” - Publication date: 3010

The 80's had cocaine. The 90's had heroin. The early 2000's had boy bands. Ireland had alcohol. It seems the addiction of the second decade of the new millennium had, by the middle of the first century, been positively identified as – Kittens. “Kitties,” if you will.

Cure For Cancer Linked To Blowjobs, Says Some Guy

Cure For Cancer Linked To Blowjobs, Says Some Guy

A new hope for the future of modern medicine may have surfaced in an unconventional manner. Rumors have been circulating the bay area of a man who claims to hold the cure for cancer. Although we - as well as the authorities - have yet to locate this man, there have been floods of reports which have left the community on edge with excitement and vulnerability.

An Announcement To People Who Put Mustaches On Things: Fuck you

An Announcement To People Who Put Mustaches On Things: Fuck you

I would like to think of myself to be, generally, of a level-headed disposition. In most situations where the majority of people would lose their cool, I tend to be the lone voice of reason in a sea of blood-thirty rage. Nevertheless, I have to admit that there are a few things, a few situations, which do nothing but send my ire through the roof. Possibly the highest on this list would be that of motherfucking assholes putting mustaches on things.

Local Man Dies Tomorrow, If He Doesn't Know What's Good For Him

Local Man Dies Tomorrow, If He Doesn't Know What's Good For Him

Bay Area local Chris Hastings dies tragically tomorrow, if he doesn’t get it together and pays up.  Mr Hastings, general manager of a California based health food chain, will be found in the driveway of his two story house - which he shares with his loving wife and two year old daughter - having suffered a large number of blows from a re-covered blunt object. He will also have several deep incisions which the authorities will later describe as being “precise, and obviously not meant to kill, rather to inflict great deal of pain before the inevitable loss of life.”

VOID: Where Are The Now?

VOID: Where Are The Now?

Void. These days you can’t leave your house without seeing those four letters plastered everywhere you look. Given their popularity, it’s almost hard to believe how little time has passed since three young men kicked open the doors of modern entertainment to build an empire out of nothing, only to quickly slide out of the public view. The rumors of movie deals and half written albums all unsubstantiated, the public cries out for a second coming. Today, we catch up with the founders of Void, and finally see what has become of them since we saw them last.

An Open Letter to the Jerk Who Owns VOID.com

An Open Letter to the Jerk Who Owns VOID.com

Dear David Biagini, current owner of VOID.com,

First off, we hate you. Let’s not mince words. You’re sitting on a prime piece of internet real estate, VOID.com, and you are doing NOTHING COOL with it. Nothing. We here at VOID (I’m going to call us VOID PRIME for now, since we live on earth 1, which is awesome. You’re EARTH 2 VOID, which sucks. Earth 2 sucks. Earth 2 is like stuck in the early 1990’s forever. Which is awful.

"Hella" - The Linguistic Disease of the Bay Area

"Hella" - The Linguistic Disease of the Bay Area

The following is an excerpt from the pages of  Professor Emil Hancock, whose studies into regional linguistics have taken him all over the world for the past three decades. He was especially interested in local slang - a study that has been dear to him ever since his 1979 study into the English word “crikey,” which won him a professorship at Oxford University.