Science Community Quells Fears That World is Getting Smaller

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Scientists from several major international research organizations today held a 2-hour long press conference in order to dissuade fears that the planet is shrinking, as everyone keeps saying.

“I assure you,” said Cameron Howel, lead researcher at NASA's Global Research Program, “there have been no adverse effects on planet Earth from things like satellite communication, the Internet, or even radio signals. This notion is just absurd.”

In the past decade many events have become local knowledge, despite them occurring in far-flung sections of the globe. Director J.G. Yung of the U.S. Geological Survey was on hand to point out that while we may know about such catastrophes as the Tsunami in Japan mere minutes after they happen, they do not actually represent a local threat to someone in, say, Topeka, Kansas.

The press corps on hand at the event seemed skeptical, triggering in impulse in the collected minds to set up a chalk board and start addressing the crowd as a class.

At the end of the conference, the assistant director of the National Academy of Science, Richard Boyne, managed to boil it all down for the audience.

“The average size of a human penis is about 5.35 inches. That said, it would take 294902310.28 penises to stretch around the entire globe. This is still a very big planet. Depending on who you are dating.”

This seemed to pacify the collected reporters.

The Walt Disney Company was contacted to weigh in on its long-term stance on the smallness of the world, but had yet to respond to requests by print date.