Local Man Dies Tomorrow, If He Doesn't Know What's Good For Him

The Hastings Family. So Vulnerable...

The Hastings Family. So Vulnerable...

Bay Area local Chris Hastings dies tragically tomorrow, if he doesn’t get it together and pay up.  Mr Hastings, general manager of a California based health food chain, will be found in the driveway of his two story house - which he shares with his loving wife and two year old daughter - having suffered a large number of blows from a re-covered blunt object. He will also have several deep incisions which the authorities will later describe as being “precise, and obviously not meant to kill, rather to inflict great deal of pain before the inevitable loss of life.”

The family of the soon to be deceased will not release a statement, but it can only be imagined what deep and permanent torment they will be going through after witnessing a love one in such a state.

It is expected that Mrs. Hastings may go into such a spiral of depression and self loathing that she may take her own life. This, unfortunately, will not be helped by the many vicious and slanderous letters she (as well as most local publications) will be receiving concerning the life styles of the future prior Mr. Hastings.

This also leads to a posthumous Dishonorable Discharge from the united stated Marines. Said Col McGovern, Hastings’ superior officer and best friend, “I knew it.”

When questioned anonymously, the soon to be killers admitted that the situation was easily avoidable.

“Listen. The shadowy Agency for which we work isn’t the bad guy here. Chris was given plenty warning about the repercussions of his actions. He did his side of the deal, and It’s not like we didn’t pay him. The guy got greedy, is all.”

Everyone and everything Hasting ever loved will be be destroyed or driven to insanity if doesn’t come to the agreed location today with the delivery.

No cops, motherfucker.

Caleb Finch

Caleb Nathan Friedrich was born in a small coal mining town in northern Pennsylvania to his biological parents Gretchen and Ivan Friedrich. Being the Friedrich’s eleventh child, and seeing the steady decline of Ivan’s health, Caleb was dropped into the, then tumultuous, foster care system. When he turned sixteen he gathered what few items he had and set out to make his mark on the world. Forging false identification and assuming the surname Finch, he was able to talk his way into position for the world renowned San Francisco Inquisitor. He went on to become the newspaper’s longest running editor and chief, and has had many printed collections, including The Time I Spent and The View From the Engine Room. In 1943, Caleb passed away by succoming to his long and painful fight against Butt Aids. It is belived by some that his ghost still haunts different locations in San Francisco, and that it's sort of a dick.