Gaming, Masturbation Good For Health, Says US Surgeon General

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The US Surgeon General announced Thursday that after years of study on the part of the medical community and various independent regulators video game playing has been found to actually be beneficial to human health.

Surgeon General Bruce Leeroy Jenkins also announced the beneficial merits of masturbation, specifically when aided by pornography, saying the "....peptides and....electrolytes" released in the act boosted mental and reproductive health indefinitely.

“It’s like finding an item in an RPG that restores your HP to maximum,” Jenkins said in a press conference, “Given the booming industries surrounding these beneficial modern products, I can see the human lifespan increasing by 40, if not 50 years on average.”

The move is being hailed by medical associations all over the world, including such notable groups as the Association of Human Doctors, The Breast Cancer Awareness League, and the Corporation of Public Broadcasting. EA Games has also endorsed the announcement.

“I was initially sceptical of the findings and their suppositional materials,” said Republican House lion Eric Cantor, "but given the overall health of my three sons and the sheer amount of time they spend at home and out of trouble, I can hardly refute the Surgeon General’s statement."

Jenkins’ full statement included a support of all role-based games, given the time needed to achieve maximum statistics for playable characters. First person shooter games were also highly credited for teaching users good hand-eye coordination, increasing blood flow, and promoting a proactive lifestyle.

Religious groups have remained silent after the announcement, possibly fueled by the Surgeon General’s promise to increase usage of lubrication for masturbation by indefinitely offering tax cuts to all businesses who manufacture these products.

“It’s a bold move on the part of our system,” said Arizona’s Libertarian representative Carl “Swan Ronson” Dover. “This supports the creation of jobs and also looks into the well-being of our nation. Now if only we could get a moratorium on the regulation of our adult film industry we might actually be getting somewhere.”

Jenkins’ announcement came on the eve of the release of the Grand Theft Auto 5 trailer 2 release, something he referenced five times during his speech. He urged people close to gamers to encourage them to pursue a healthy lifestyle.

“And to those girlfriends who deem gaming something that eats into a healthy social life,” Jenkins said, “get off our backs. We’re conducting intensive studies looking into the benefits of relationships built around gaming, not trust, which have yielded very positive findings.”

My girlfriend has yet to comment.