Wikileaks Outs Science As Magic

241px-Wikileaks_logo_svg copy.jpg

Following a massive outpour of damning documentation by Wikileaks, the science community has come clean about the body of work it has amassed over the last millenium, admitting it has all been based on fraudulent information.

Neil deGrasse Tyson, the scientifically-elected representative of the “fact-based community” held a press conference in the meeting hall of the Hayden Planetarium in New York City. “It’s true,” he admitted before the world, “based on the laws of facts, our information over the past thousand years or so has been a lie. Good science fiction, but science fiction nonetheless.”

What is probably the most distressing and confusing revelation amidst this whole debacle is the fact that all of the triumphs of science over the years - electrical devices, medical pharmaceuticals, astronomical discoveries, and weapons of mass destruction are all creditable to one source: Magic.

“Whenever you flip on a light switch, turn on the TV, or steam a latte - you’re utilizing the hard work of dozens of wizards and apprentices,” Tyson said. “Your cell phone? Magic. Street lights? Magic. Your fancy sports automobile? Magic. And don’t even get me started on the internet. If you know how many unicorns had to die in order to make your computer run porn on your lap you’d cry yourself to sleep for the rest of your natural life.”

Educational institutions and research facilities alike have been practically shut down thanks to the large collection of emails, notes, and stenographed minutes of clandestine science meetings which have been leaked onto the prominent whistleblower site. 

Among the huge amount of data is a letter from Albert Einstein to his colleague Niels Bohr in 1917 where he made light of his newest “discovery,” the theory of relativity.

“I was on the shitter this morning and had an idea that sounds most like something a person without an education would believe is science. E=MC2. It’s got that panache of math with just a touch of the mystic that makes it sound really convincing. I’m going to write the paper up tonight. I’ll just need you to run it by the boys at the club so we can push this out and really sell it on the joes out in the cold. Say hi to the missus for me. To science!”

No Wikileaks representative has yet to make a statement about the matter, as all communications into and out of the organization has been halted by a potent hex delivered by Anonymous, which is outraged that the mythbusting website would reveal computer science’s most closely held secret.

Experts suggest that this matter won’t be resolved until, at the very least, the next equinox.