US Military Accused Of Using Ska Based Torture

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The United States Military has been accused of using ska in their interrogation of captured assumed terrorists, despite it’s longtime ban by the United Nations. The music form, which has a weathered history of being massively offensive and over-all vile, has been outlawed in most first world countries. In America, of course, it is a state issue, which has lead to the legalization of ska in multiple states, not including California.

Pictures, videos, and first person accounts have surfaced showing damning evidence of this infringements to global policy. One such video clearly shows a man in prison garb, bound with handcuffs, forced into a mosh pit during a fishbone performance. The video has been circulating 4chan’s subforum /b/ and reddit’s subreddit r/spacedicks, and has quickly been removed from both, due to it’s extremely disturbing nature.

A former prisoner spoke to us anonymously, due to fear of retaliation from the US government.

“The horror was indescribable. We had to suffer through amounts of ska which I did not believe ever to be in existence. I’m fairly certain that the US military fully issued and produced a new Goldfinger album, purely for the sake of interrogation. It wasn’t even well mixed.”

While government officials have yet to fully corroborate the allegations, the following statement has been released.

“In regards to the information possibly brought to light, the United States Government has been investigating into the possibility of a ska based retaliation to be used in the event of a terrorist attack on American Soil. It cannot be said at this time what level this investigation has reached, due to the current classified nature of the study. However, this administration has a strict anti-ska torture policy.”

Caleb Finch

The TARDIS, 517 Natoma, San Francisco, Ca 94103, USA

Caleb Nathan Friedrich was born in a small coal mining town in northern Pennsylvania to his biological parents Gretchen and Ivan Friedrich. Being the Friedrich’s eleventh child, and seeing the steady decline of Ivan’s health, Caleb was dropped into the, then tumultuous, foster care system. When he turned sixteen he gathered what few items he had and set out to make his mark on the world. Forging false identification and assuming the surname Finch, he was able to talk his way into position for the world renowned San Francisco Inquisitor. He went on to become the newspaper’s longest running editor and chief, and has had many printed collections, including The Time I Spent and The View From the Engine Room. In 1943, Caleb passed away by succoming to his long and painful fight against Butt Aids. It is belived by some that his ghost still haunts different locations in San Francisco, and that it's sort of a dick.