Cure For Cancer Linked To Blowjobs, Says Some Guy

 Current police sketch of unknown man

Current police sketch of unknown man

A new hope for the future of modern medicine may have surfaced in an unconventional manner. Rumors have been circulating the bay area of a man who claims to hold the cure for cancer. Although we - as well as the authorities - have yet to locate this man, there have been floods of reports which have left the community on edge with excitement and vulnerability.

According to our sources (all female), the early-thirties Caucasian male has been working the rounds around the larger bay area cancer treatment centers and support groups, promising a viable cure for the terrible affliction. Although the stories deviate, the general end point is a link between a cure for cancer and fellatio. In most cases, he would, inevitably end with, “and I’m not doing anything so...,” followed by an intense look which included licking of lips.

Many scientific and spiritual reasonings were made to substantiate the validity of his case to the hundreds he approached, although at first glance they seemed to be highly random and contradictory. While cross referencing the many accounts, there are a few repeating patterns that come popping out. Patterns such as the use of the phrase “come popping out,” as well as the frequent yet misquoted use of Kid Rock lyrics.

It is currently unclear as to the effects of the treatment, as anyone was experimental enough to try it has admitted such to the medical community. However, an anonymous source has contacted us via email in order to answer some of our questions. Outside of corroborating the previous accounts, she described the act as being “fairly quick” and “anticlimactic.”

“To be honest, he seemed surprised at first when I said yes. I suppose I am as well. I was on a lot of medication at the time, and I suppose I just had the mindset that every little bit helps. It was all over so soon and by the time I composed myself and left the bathroom, he was nowhere to be found anywhere in the YMCA.”

The most important question is, of course, whether the aforementioned blowjob changed the state of her health.

“Well, I am in full remission. But, is that because of the extensive chemotherapy, medication, and the surgery which finally removed the cancerous cells from my body, or is it because I sucked off some asshole once while I was in an emotionally and physically weakened state? Who’s to say, really?”

Caleb Finch

The TARDIS, 517 Natoma, San Francisco, Ca 94103, USA

Caleb Nathan Friedrich was born in a small coal mining town in northern Pennsylvania to his biological parents Gretchen and Ivan Friedrich. Being the Friedrich’s eleventh child, and seeing the steady decline of Ivan’s health, Caleb was dropped into the, then tumultuous, foster care system. When he turned sixteen he gathered what few items he had and set out to make his mark on the world. Forging false identification and assuming the surname Finch, he was able to talk his way into position for the world renowned San Francisco Inquisitor. He went on to become the newspaper’s longest running editor and chief, and has had many printed collections, including The Time I Spent and The View From the Engine Room. In 1943, Caleb passed away by succoming to his long and painful fight against Butt Aids. It is belived by some that his ghost still haunts different locations in San Francisco, and that it's sort of a dick.