SFPD Cracks Down On Black Market Brunches


The San Francisco Police Department is increasing it’s fight against illegal sales of brunch related items on the city’s streets. The recent rash of underground breakfast trading has reached a high point, as demand for legitimate product has lead to lengthy wait times and high pressure for turn over.

“I don’t consider myself a criminal,” said an anonymous buyer, “I just don’t have enough time in the day to go through the proper channels. Were I in a cafe in the Mission, I’d still be waiting for a small, cramped table at which I would still have a solid forty five minutes until my food arrived. Here, I can get a nice eggs florentine in under three minutes. Also, of course, you can’t beat the prices.”

The average black market brunch item runs around four dollars, a far cry from the eight or twelve dollars you would be paying at the majority of proper establishments. The street price for a fresh squeezed grapefruit mimosa is one dollar, and a french press of freshly ground fair trade coffee will only set you back a quarter. An extra side of avocado is still, for some reason, three dollars.

We were able to talk to one of the top dealers in San Francisco. He goes, of course, unnamed.

“Anybody who looks down on what I’m doing doesn’t understand the inherent flaws of the existing system. Brunch shouldn’t be about long lines, pretentious employees, and ten dollar bloody marys. It should be about the people. I’m bringing my craft to the people. I used to work for some of the biggest restaurants in town, but all they talk about is their rank in the world and the latest Yelp reviews. All I want is to set up shop somewhere, break some eggs, and cook an asparagus and prosciutto omelette using the engine heat of my 1992 Ford Taurus.”

The SFPD’s new initiative, Operation Stake And Eggs, has met with initial success. Focusing officers in the heaviest areas during the hours of 9am-3pm, the number of arrests of chefs and sous chefs looks promising.

“Our concern is always the public’s safety. There’s no telling where the supplies for these meals are coming from. The health department has listed the situation as unclassifiable within the current guidelines. We’re not going to dance around here. If you’re caught with a to-go box full of lavender french toast and candied bacon, you better have a proof of purchase from a licence restaurant. Otherwise, you could be looking at some significant fines, and possible jail time. Remember, they dont' serve brunch in jail. You only get a continental breakfast, and you have to get up super early before they run out of half and half.”

Caleb Finch

Caleb Nathan Friedrich was born in a small coal mining town in northern Pennsylvania to his biological parents Gretchen and Ivan Friedrich. Being the Friedrich’s eleventh child, and seeing the steady decline of Ivan’s health, Caleb was dropped into the, then tumultuous, foster care system. When he turned sixteen he gathered what few items he had and set out to make his mark on the world. Forging false identification and assuming the surname Finch, he was able to talk his way into position for the world renowned San Francisco Inquisitor. He went on to become the newspaper’s longest running editor and chief, and has had many printed collections, including The Time I Spent and The View From the Engine Room. In 1943, Caleb passed away by succoming to his long and painful fight against Butt Aids. It is belived by some that his ghost still haunts different locations in San Francisco, and that it's sort of a dick.