In troubled times, such as we live in today, one tries not to blow situations out of proportion with long winded hyperbole, and merely state facts and trends without untoward biased or subjective content. I, Caleb Finch (reporter), hope to quickly gain your trust as a writer of journalistic morality and balance. That being said, wearing leggings or tights instead of pants is the worst thing in the world, ever.
Now, I would be remiss to believe that I am the only (extremely) lonely soul out here to come to this conclusion, but the situation still dangles dangerously in front of us like an ugly persons poorly tucked-in towel at the Y. It's like Bono is out there, doing stuff. To be fair, I don't particularly know what Bono does (or what he believes in, or even if Oasis is still together) but at the end of the day is he really helping? Those people are still killing each other, or starving, or whatever. Again, I don't know much about Bono, but I do know this: If you wear leg sheaths that perfectly contour every aspect of your lower body and do not have further material covering your flotsam and jetsam, you are a horrible person and your parents are disappointed in you.
You may think that the look “works for you,” but If any right minded individual sees you like this they are, more than not, going to assume that you are a massive crack whore. Perhaps, that you are a crack whore unable to afford pants due, in part, to the crack. And let's just be frank (if your name is frank, otherwise be whatever your name is), this is not a matter of personal appearance. I'm not saying, “Most people can't pull this off but if you weigh a hundred go for it.” Do not go for it. Nobody can make this work! Also, you need to eat, girl! Wearing leggings for pants is the perpetual motion machine of fashion. As in, it will never work in our lifetime, and I do strongly believe this is because of Newtonian Physics.
In conclusion, I realize that, perhaps, some of those who choose to participate in this illicit activity may not be thinking purely in terms of aesthetic fashion. Some may be caving to peer pressure. Others might be blind, or have severe learning disabilities. Lastly, a portion could be only be trying to express a level of general youthfulness and sexuality to those around them. To the latter, I would like to say this: I'm pretty sure that they make shirts that just say “slut” on them. Problem solved.
Rebuttal by Tony Foti, Professor of Art History
Editors Note: Jeggings were not covered in this article by Mr. Finch, but he did include a five seven five haiku, as follows.
Boy in screamo band
with jeggins and two tone hair
looks like a huge douche