Study Shows Broken Ribs Suck


A new study this week reveals that incurring broken ribs sucks. This study, held at John Hopkins Bayview Medical Center, took a group of twenty semi-volunteered participants of varied age, race, and socioeconomic background, and inducing said state of broken ribs, via fist.  

Said one participant, “Man, this hurts so bad.” Another Stated, “Oh Jesus fuck, why would you do this?”  

Thomas Stephenson, the head researcher and Nobel Laureate, commented on the nature of the study: “This is science at its best. Could we just assume that having broken ribs is unpleasant? Of course not. That’s an untested hypothesis. For all we knew, it could have felt great. It doesn’t, though. It really sucks”

A second control group was not given broken ribs and on the whole felt unaffected, although one man in this group said that he was “a little sad.” This is believed to be unrelated, as it was later learned that he has a horrible life.

Caleb Finch

Caleb Nathan Friedrich was born in a small coal mining town in northern Pennsylvania to his biological parents Gretchen and Ivan Friedrich. Being the Friedrich’s eleventh child, and seeing the steady decline of Ivan’s health, Caleb was dropped into the, then tumultuous, foster care system. When he turned sixteen he gathered what few items he had and set out to make his mark on the world. Forging false identification and assuming the surname Finch, he was able to talk his way into position for the world renowned San Francisco Inquisitor. He went on to become the newspaper’s longest running editor and chief, and has had many printed collections, including The Time I Spent and The View From the Engine Room. In 1943, Caleb passed away by succoming to his long and painful fight against Butt Aids. It is belived by some that his ghost still haunts different locations in San Francisco, and that it's sort of a dick.