Musician Makes Leap in Career, Goes Straight to Drug Addiction, Listlessness


Local musician Thomas "Hot Lix" Woods has decided to forgo his planned music career, and “just skip to the playboy drug addict part.” Mr. Woods, who only started playing guitar three weeks prior to his resignation, felt he came to an impasse.

Said Mr. Woods, “I really like the idea of playing guitar and being in a band, but it’s so much work to get to the point of being actually good. I just want to look cool and make out with random girls. Also, my hand hurts.”

Friends of the former musician expressed varied opinions on the matter. Gary Dunderson, Woods’ longtime friend said, “Yeah, that’s pretty par for the course with Tom.  A few months ago we were going to start a screen printing company.  He was super excited, but gave up after three days. I bought all the equipment and everything. It’s just sitting in my closet.”  

Others had less negative views on the matter. When asked of Woods’ decision, one of his co-workers at The Cheesecake Factory remarked, "is that the guy with the blonde hair? I can’t keep track of the dishwashers. Wasn't he fired last week?”

When questioned about the success of his transition, Woods’ responded, “It’s not that much of a change for me really. I was pretty much high all the time before. Still, not too much luck with the ladies. Also, I have no place to live”

Woods' noted that had he not ended his training, his band name would have been either Bone Garden or ACOCKOLIPZ.

Caleb Finch

Caleb Nathan Friedrich was born in a small coal mining town in northern Pennsylvania to his biological parents Gretchen and Ivan Friedrich. Being the Friedrich’s eleventh child, and seeing the steady decline of Ivan’s health, Caleb was dropped into the, then tumultuous, foster care system. When he turned sixteen he gathered what few items he had and set out to make his mark on the world. Forging false identification and assuming the surname Finch, he was able to talk his way into position for the world renowned San Francisco Inquisitor. He went on to become the newspaper’s longest running editor and chief, and has had many printed collections, including The Time I Spent and The View From the Engine Room. In 1943, Caleb passed away by succoming to his long and painful fight against Butt Aids. It is belived by some that his ghost still haunts different locations in San Francisco, and that it's sort of a dick.