Scientific Study Links Purse Size With Mental Illness


An ongoing study held by Yale University’s sociology department and Prada has linked the size of a woman’s purse to the number and intensity of her emotional problems. This study has dredged up a great deal of controversy in both the science and fashion worlds in the past due to the possibly sexist implications it could provide, and has been strongly picketed by national woman’s rights groups, as well as Coach. This being said, a number of members of the scientific community, as well as a few oddly passionate independent financial backers, speak out for the study’s merritts.  

While the exact method of the testing is currently unable to be shared due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, the study was able to ascertain that the correlation most important was of that between the overall size of the purse, and the subject’s “emotional baggage.” Large, utilitarian bags, such as backpacks or messenger bags are largely discounted, as they tend to be used to carry larger objects, such as laptops, books, or alcohol.  

Said a project administrator, “It’s more about that type of large nebulous bag. That giant black hole of a bag filled with dried up mascara and used tissues. That’s where the scientific pay dirt is.”

Although we may never know where the hard-set connections between larger purses and general mental instability lies, it seems as if we are quickly reaching the point of a quantafiable conversion rate between purse size and daddy issues. From NPR, this is Caleb Finch.

Caleb Finch

Caleb Nathan Friedrich was born in a small coal mining town in northern Pennsylvania to his biological parents Gretchen and Ivan Friedrich. Being the Friedrich’s eleventh child, and seeing the steady decline of Ivan’s health, Caleb was dropped into the, then tumultuous, foster care system. When he turned sixteen he gathered what few items he had and set out to make his mark on the world. Forging false identification and assuming the surname Finch, he was able to talk his way into position for the world renowned San Francisco Inquisitor. He went on to become the newspaper’s longest running editor and chief, and has had many printed collections, including The Time I Spent and The View From the Engine Room. In 1943, Caleb passed away by succoming to his long and painful fight against Butt Aids. It is belived by some that his ghost still haunts different locations in San Francisco, and that it's sort of a dick.