New Study Finds Life Actually Is Fair


Angsty teenagers and homeless people are going to need a new go-to phrase now that a new study from the Socio-Humanites Department at UCLA. The study had access to thousands of hours of video taken by high-resolution cameras on board NASA's International Space Station which has been studying social movements on Earth for over a year. The study finds that, no matter where you are, who you are, or how you were born, the universe treats everyone pretty much the same

“It's pretty uncanny,” said head researcher, Batuk Natton, who has also overseen other far-reaching social studies. “You would assume that there is some sort of X factor that protects people from having awful things happen to them, but it seems pretty even all over the world – shit just sucks sometimes. For everyone. And it’s rarely ever the fault of any single other person.”

The study found that truly horrifying things happen can happen to any individual and that life-altering acts of fortune can affect just about any individual. 

The only exception to the rule, according to the study, seems to be Aerosmith frontman Keith Richards.

“The man is a cipher. Everything should have killed him. Literally, everything he does is a near-death experience. Look at him,” said graduate student Bok Dao. “We have a side study going on just figure out how he is able to not die at any given moment. Statistically, though, he is a what we call a 'fluke.'”

The research team has seen everything from wealthy businessmen soil their pants in public to poverty-stricken Nigerians witness ripples in spacetime.

“A lot of crazy shit goes on all over the world. It's probably good that the average person will never have this level of omniscience,” said Ron Hawk, assistant director of NASA's data storage department.

Hawk killed himself days after the study was released for review in the popular science journal “Amazing Science.”

The authors of the study asked that their findings not be edited down for excessive use of the words “shitty,” “fuckery,” “hella embarrassing,” and “bummer.”

“On the bright side,” added Natton, “at least we don't have to feel like we're lying to our children when they ask why life is unfair. Life IS fair, it’s just - you know - shitty to everyone.”