New Computer Virus Loads Pornography Onto Idle Web Browsers, Say All Men.


Men around the world are commenting on a new computer virus circulating the Internet, which takes web browsers that have been idle - be it on a computer in sleep mode, or in a background window - and loads pornographic content onto them. Many men are finding the situation hard to explain to their significant others, or coworkers.

While many of the instances were merely pop up windows for Live Jasmine, many reported full videos or picture galleries turning up at inopportune moments.  

“Look, I don’t know how it got there,” says a bay area resident. “I was minding my own business in my locked bedroom, looking up scone recipes, and that’s all. I left the room, and when my wife tries to use my - once pristine - Dell Inspiron, it is covered in the worst filth the kind of which no upstanding human being could ever want to see.”  

He then added. “Right?”

Some of the victims are not as lucky as to have only one attack. For many, these infringements occur up to five times a day.

“I can’t count the amount of times this has happened to me. It seems like every time I open my computer these days, there’s some new piece of porn to greet me. I’m really getting sick of this. I keep accidentally opening my laptop in front of girls, and it always scares them away. What exactly am I supposed to do with myself now?”

While male experts are unable to find the source of the virus, they stress that people simply remain calm.

“I can’t imagine that we’ll be able to hash this one out immediately,” said a spokesperson for the Computer Crime and Intellectual Property section of the Department of Justice, “it’s important that we get the word out that anyone seen apparently having viewed pornographic content - most likely - are nothing but a victim of a very serious and debilitating virus.”

He added, “And...if anyone could tell my wife this, it would be greatly appreciated.”

Caleb Finch

Caleb Nathan Friedrich was born in a small coal mining town in northern Pennsylvania to his biological parents Gretchen and Ivan Friedrich. Being the Friedrich’s eleventh child, and seeing the steady decline of Ivan’s health, Caleb was dropped into the, then tumultuous, foster care system. When he turned sixteen he gathered what few items he had and set out to make his mark on the world. Forging false identification and assuming the surname Finch, he was able to talk his way into position for the world renowned San Francisco Inquisitor. He went on to become the newspaper’s longest running editor and chief, and has had many printed collections, including The Time I Spent and The View From the Engine Room. In 1943, Caleb passed away by succoming to his long and painful fight against Butt Aids. It is belived by some that his ghost still haunts different locations in San Francisco, and that it's sort of a dick.