This election season, please take into consideration my qualifications for filling your very own oval office.
1. I’m super hot!
You might not be able to tell, but I’m a massive babe. This has been confirmed on a number of occasions, by various parties. Only a fraction of this testimony has been proven to have been given under duress. The advantage to you (the consumer) is that for the duration of our time together, you will be known as the girl who was lucky enough to bag (bang) “one of the most attractive men of our time” -Virgil Kester.
2. I can cook!
Spaghetti? I can cook it! Stir Fry? I can cook it! A sandwich? I can cook portions of things, and put them in a sandwich. If I was to cook the entire thing it would cease to be a sandwich, as it would now be a panini. I can cook a panini. However, I’m not GOING to cook anything for you, as I don’t need to (see point 1).
3. I’m low maintenance!
I’m a rough and tumble kind of guy. I only take 30-45 minutes to get ready for the day, not counting shaving, brushing teeth, shower, facial mask, manicure, pedicure, and makeup. Also, you don’t have to worry about me being a picky eater. Bring me to any restaurant you can think of, and I’ll be set. Although, I don’t eat meat, or dairy, or eggs, or preservatives. Also, I’m trying to eat micro-local right now, but it’s not a big deal.
4. Extensive knowledge of comics.
Are you tired of finding guys that hit all the right marks, yet always tend to fall short due to an inability to name, verbatim, the Justice League lineup in 1997? Well, look no further. I’ll talk nerdy to you, baby. I’ll lull you to sleep every night with sweet whispers of my favorite Superman storylines. I’ll make you smile as much as Silver Age Batman.
5. I will put up with your shit!
Listen, girl. I understand how crazy you are. I’m not going to be another one of those lame-duck boyfriends, unable to realize that your inane ramblings are nothing more than your brain trying to process the female chemicals released by your ovaries. I won’t insult you by trying to calm you down when you get in one of your moods. I’ll just sit you down, and softly ask you to shut up.
6. I’m Great at cuddling.
When I write my second autobiography, A Finch Affinity, I already know that the first chapter is going to be entirely dedicated to my well known aptitude at cuddling. I can’t count the amount of times partners have commented on my performance “between the sheets.” In fact, it’s so apparent that anytime “between the sheets” is mentioned in relation to myself, they immediately talk about my proficiency at cuddling, rather than sex. This is how good I am at cuddling.
7. I’m an emotional blank page!
If you’re worried about starting to date someone only to have them become overly-attached and needy, then I’m the one for you! I promise to have little to no emotional ties to you over the course of our relationship. As far as I’m concerned, you mean nothing to me now, and never will in the future! I will never end up being a crazy stalker, mainly because I won’t bother to remember your address. I might not even remember your name. I’m that good!
8. I’m learning guitar!
I’m well aware that you ladies go crazy for a guitar player. Nothing gets you going more than a super cool guy rocking out, solo-style, hard and fast on the strings, am I right? Because of this, I’ve dedicated myself in full to this mystical instrument. It’s only been two years, and already I can play three to four chords, and can even sometimes remember which is which. I expect to be super famous within the year, so you should get in on the ground floor.
9. I’m productive.
I get a lot done in a day, ladies. I’m up and ready by no later than 2pm, sharp. I only play video games three to six hours a day (unlike some guys), and I always refrain from drinking hard alcohol before 6pm EST. What do I produce? I think the better question is “what don’t I produce?”
10. I make constant pop culture references.
Do you remember the show Dinosaurs? So do I! What about Duck Tales? Pretty great, right? Don’t you want a guy who will make non-stop jokes referring to things other people made, generally, more that ten years ago? I’m not going to bore you with my thoughts on classic literature or current events, like a nerd. Not the momma!!
Please address all proposals of marriage to:
P.O. Box 3269
San Francisco, Ca 94103