The Perfect Storm - or - How Storm From The X-Men Ruined All Women

ByrneStorm.jpg

As a flowering young lad growing up with comic books, I was exposed to many beautiful, buxom women in skin-tight clothing. It was like growing up in a gym in Miami, just....nerdier. From Wonder Woman to Susan Storm, I was constantly reading stories with these lovely ladies flaunting their...powers...all over every panel. It wouldn’t have messed me up, because I’m pretty immune to overt sexuality unless it’s actively trying to seduce me (sometimes even then), except for the one exception - Ororo Munroe - the X-Men member known as Storm

The X-Men don’t really have a wide choice of good female characters to choose from. It’s mostly a boy’s club until fairly recently with the inclusion of a far more mixed rotating roster of girls. But back when I was growing up, all we had were - I dunno - Psylocke (Asian-English ninja), Jean Grey (redhead telepath), Kitty Pryde (ghostly Jew), and a good helping of Storm.

Storm was the best for so many reasons. Reasons that eventually soured me on ever finding a good female match for myself. Here is a rundown of why she ruined me for real girls.

1. Real girls don’t have white hair until they’re, like....way old.

Being as Storm isn’t way old and I’m not into way old ladies, I’m screwed if I want a natural whitehead without going to nursing home mixers. Dammit.

2. Girls in this decade don’t look like they did in the 70’s.

I didn’t grow up in the 70’s, but I was exposed to a strange amount of 70’s X-Men comics and the art idealized hot girls of the time. So there weren’t gigantic boobs, obnoxiously curvy butts, or emaciated supermodel bodies. I was also under the impression that if a girl looked like that, you had to either be full of lean muscle or have some kind of superpower (ie, optic blasts).

3. Storm is a strong, independent woman.

I mean, she led the X-Men during one of the many times Cyclops bitched out and quit the team. She’s a good fighter and damn clever in most situations that don’t involve tight spaces (she’s claustrophobic). Unfortunately, most strong, independent women are successful and mature - so they are totally uninterested in a guy who waits outside of his local comic shop on Wednesdays for when new comics come out and then goes to buy a hamburger because he likes to “treat himself.”

4. Jungle Fever.

She was one of the few black girls I saw in a high-volume hispanic area. Once I found out that Latin girls don’t “ripen” into black girls I just gave up.

5. She had superpowers.

It’s hard to have a superpower fetish if girls can’t actually have superpowers. Sigh.

So that rounds it out. I’ve really lowered my expectations, lately. It's been a lot of picking up on girls who look remotely like other superheroines or dropping mad-obscure comic references at conventions and getting the sexy nerd girls. Still, though, no one will ever be her. Or CAN be.

I mean, she’s fictional. Maybe even FAN-fictional?