An Open Letter to the Jerk Who Owns VOID.com

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Dear David Biagini, current owner of VOID.com,

First off, we hate you. Let’s not mince words. You’re sitting on a prime piece of internet real estate, VOID.com, and you are doing NOTHING COOL with it. Nothing. We here at VOID (I’m going to call us VOID PRIME for now, since we live on earth 1, which is awesome. You’re EARTH 2 VOID, which sucks. Earth 2 sucks. Earth 2 is like stuck in the early 1990’s forever. Which is awful.

Do me a favor and go over to your website. Look at that. It’s like a bad spam page from the early the infant of the internet (think Geocities and GIFs). You’re not only defacing the web as we know it, but you’re doing a disservice to anyone who calls themselves a graphic artist. Because that’s what you claim to be. A graphic artist. But look at VOID.com. It looks like you chose your layout at random and possibly decided on your color pallet while on Mexican heroin. Are you a blind person? Because that is the only excuse for your awful taste in everything on your website.

We here at VOID PRIME are offended. We would like to have our content resting peacefully at VOID.com, but no. NOOOOOO. We have to settle for VOIDsf.com just to have a home on the internet. You’re keeping the word “VOID” from being indicative of anything good.

That’s another thing. You go beyond calling yourself a graphic designer. You try to play yourself off as a musician, an actor, and a model. We here at VOID PRIME have all of those covered.

Caleb’s beautiful. He’s a way better model than you. He uses makeup. And doesn’t have a receding hairline. And doesn’t wear unflattering denim jackets in his headshot.

Virgil, HE’S an actor. The guy doesn’t even try to act and somehow still sounds amazing when he delivers lines. Caleb and I TRY to make his character sound awful, purposefully giving him un-deliverable lines to recite and he STILL somehow comes off as cool and witty. It’s uncanny. You? You come up with videos like this.

Actor? Please, don’t be a dick.

Joshua is the resident musician. Ok, ok, he’s just a drummer, but he’s STILL more of a musician than you. Your sad, finger-picked acoustic songs may be cool on Earth 2 where taking pictures of money creates the expectation of getting paid, but here on Earth Prime even a drummer is more talented than you. And NO ONE likes drummers.

In summation, you’re an asshole with no talent who probably assumes he has talent because he has a website. Well get off your crazy horse, pal, because this isn’t the early 90’s and a website actually needs to have unique viewers in order to count for any credit to your craft. The only views you’re actually getting now is from us, as we continually go to your site and stare in bewilderment at how the web space we should rightfully have is somehow owned by a sad guy from an alternate universe where doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation is somehow grounds for continuing to live.

Your website makes us want to void our stomachs. Please just hand the domain over to us.

Love,

Caleb Finch

Joshua Harvey          ]   VOID

Virgil Kester IV

P.S.

Please give up VOIDVOID.com to us as well. We’re going to do the multiverse a favor and just put a GIF of a lightning bolt-shooting wizard in its place. The generations of VOID fans to come will thank us.