Why Caleb Finch is Unattractive


Caleb Finch is deemed, by some, to be one of the most attractive men of our time. I find this concept to be abhorrent. First off, he is not a man (nor attractive) so the prior statement is pretty much just rubbish in a can (and btw Caleb, writing that on the wall of every port-o-potty you enter from here to another part of San Francisco doesn’t make it true).

Yeah, some might consider a symmetrical face and silky smooth hair to be “attractive.” Yes, some might consider having an adequate to large sized penis to be “desirable.” Nevertheless, dear viewers, this lack of logic and tomfoolery of thought is merely a testament to the fact that we must break down our current notions of beauty. We’re obviously way off. I mean, for some Colonel Sanders-looking mutha to get his goofy mug in some San Francisco fashion magazine is a travesty of awesome proportion.

Simply put, this makes us look bad as San Franciscans (Franciscers?). What next? Drag any down on their luck, urine drenched, crusty lipped, FUBU wearing street urchin off the street and throw them in some of our most celebrated periodicals and call them models? What does that say to the rest of California, as well as this great nation as a whole?

Los Angeles is starting to give us dirty looks in the hall, Tahoe didn’t return our call last night, and Modesto made fun of our hair in the lunch line. Modesto? Fucking Modesto? Have you ever been to Modesto? It’s the fucking cold sore of California and now its making fun of us, US, in the lunch line? Horse shit!

But I digress. Caleb is ugly. Look, of course a perfect smile and well-manicured fingernails are “charming,” and his perfect posture could be considered “handsome” by nations the world over. And yeah, sure, rock hard abs and those deep blue eyes “get bitches wet.” But viewers, have you ever had a conversation with the thing? Ever spent an afternoon with it? Those eyes might not look so blue once you realize they're, really, full of shit.

Caleb is the kind of friend that shows up unannounced to your home on a Tuesday night at 12:37am to borrow sugar.  Then what seemed like a simple confectionary favor turns into $400 of water damage, a broken childhood train set, Jello powder on the ceiling, and a horrible case of the clap (totally hypothetical situation! I'm simply listing examples of possible behavior, really. What I mean to say is, it didn’t happen. Look! I’ve never had crabs, I mean the clap. I’ve never had the clap. Caleb didn’t give me crabs).

I once saw Caleb buy out an entire taco truck just so that this kid that looked at him funny couldn’t buy a taco. After purchasing every taco with a credit card (stolen, obviously). He then crushed each taco on the ground, one by one with his feet, never breaking eye contact with the crying and hungry child. I’ll never forget the sadness in that child’s eyes, nor Caleb’s erection during the entire event.  Disturbing.

Caleb is the kind of guy that takes pennies from the “take a penny, leave a penny” tray, yet never leaves a god damn cent.

Caleb watches the Disney channel constantly. His favorite show was/is Hannah Montana (close second: The Suite Life on Deck). I once walked in on what happened to be a 12 hour marathon. He sat naked in a dimly lit room, mainly illuminated by the glow from the 12’’ screen situated 2 feet from his chair. Diet Shasta bottles were strewn throughout the room, and in his lap lay a large industrial sized mixing bowl filled to the brim with what appeared to be a mix of lucky charms, broken Twix candy bars, and maple syrup. He’s sick. He’s fucking sick.

Look, San Francisco, we need to start reconstructing our views on beauty because the old paradigms are falling short. For the love of Gald, we’re short-sheeting our own beds here. If this taco crushing, penny stealing, little boy-watching troglodyte is an image of beauty, then we’re in serious trouble.

When it comes right down to it, just think of the kids. Do we really want to wake up 20 years from now, having all of our young ones raised thinking American Spirits and tattered Sears corduroy jackets with holes in the arm-pits are the apex of modern fashion? Do we really want to raise the future kings and queens of the world to believe that knocking down the elderly and spitting on fat people is not only cool, but necessary for the betterment of humankind?  Seriously, I saw the man once spit on an overweight woman in a motorized chair. He said he was “marking” her, but would not elaborate.

I plead with you, my fellow San Franciscans (Franciscles?). Take a moment to ponder what true beauty is. Re-consider what makes someone attractive. I mean, if an orange was shiny and smelled of everything good and pure, but once bitten into, tasted of feces with a hint of coriander, would it be an orange worth eating?

Caleb is a shitty orange.