Cure For Cancer Linked To Blowjobs, Says Some Guy

Cure For Cancer Linked To Blowjobs, Says Some Guy

A new hope for the future of modern medicine may have surfaced in an unconventional manner. Rumors have been circulating the bay area of a man who claims to hold the cure for cancer. Although we - as well as the authorities - have yet to locate this man, there have been floods of reports which have left the community on edge with excitement and vulnerability.

Local Man Dies Tomorrow, If He Doesn't Know What's Good For Him

Local Man Dies Tomorrow, If He Doesn't Know What's Good For Him

Bay Area local Chris Hastings dies tragically tomorrow, if he doesn’t get it together and pays up.  Mr Hastings, general manager of a California based health food chain, will be found in the driveway of his two story house - which he shares with his loving wife and two year old daughter - having suffered a large number of blows from a re-covered blunt object. He will also have several deep incisions which the authorities will later describe as being “precise, and obviously not meant to kill, rather to inflict great deal of pain before the inevitable loss of life.”

Local “Celebrity” Joshua Harvey Hospitalized For Malnutrition

Local “Celebrity” Joshua Harvey Hospitalized For Malnutrition

Local Inner Richmond resident, Joshua Harvey, collapsed at his workplace - suffering from severe malnutrition as a result of only consuming vitamin C. Harvey is known locally as a member of a San Francisco-based avant garde “comedy troupe” VOID. He is also known for dressing up like Batman and “patrolling” the streets of the Richmond at night.

New Study Finds Life Actually Is Fair

New Study Finds Life Actually Is Fair

Angsty teenagers and homeless people are going to need a new go-to phrase now that a new study from the Socio-Humanites Department at UCLA. The study had access to thousands of hours of video taken by high-resolution cameras on board NASA's International Space Station which has been studying social movements on Earth for over a year. The study finds that, no matter where you are, who you are, or how you were born, the universe treats everyone pretty much the same

Same Sex Kiss Day Goes Awry Due To Gender Confusion

Same Sex Kiss Day Goes Awry Due To Gender Confusion

Bay Area activists who wish to support and promote same-sex marriage were left scratching their heads today as they struggled to identify each other’s declared gender in a second, impromptu, Chick-fil-A make-out session.  The unfortunate androgynous nature of those who participated in the specific event lead to a general sea of confusion over who was supposed to kiss who in order to further the cause of LGBT rights.

Scientific Study Links Purse Size With Mental Illness

Scientific Study Links Purse Size With Mental Illness

An ongoing study held by Yale University’s sociology department and Prada has linked the size of a woman’s purse to the number and intensity of her emotional problems. This study has dredged up a great deal of controversy in both the science and fashion worlds in the past due to the possibly sexist implications it could provide, and has been strongly picketed by national woman’s rights groups, as well as Coach. This being said, a number of members of the scientific community, as well as a few oddly passionate independent financial backers, speak out for the study’s merritts.